Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize