I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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