things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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