I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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