I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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