I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
