I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
