Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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