Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
