Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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