I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
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