your room smells of hookers.
And success
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
