I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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