Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
