So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
