i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
