Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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