Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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