I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
