woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
