I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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