If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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