Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
