I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You need Xanax blowdarts
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
