I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
