I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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