Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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