You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
