sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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