Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
