just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
