she kept yelling 'call me bella'
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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