Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
