Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
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