now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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