Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
