He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
