remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
