you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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