I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
