Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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