So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
