I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
