margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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