I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
