Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
