I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
