I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
