i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
