did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
