So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
