Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
How does it feel to date your dad?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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