I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize