I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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