She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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