I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I have already put on my inside pants.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
